Ask Amy: My partner died and I found out he was cheating on me. How can I upset him?

Dear Amy: I was with my boyfriend for four years.

We lived together the whole time. He was my soul mate and became the father of my children’s lives (I have three children from my previous marriage).

I thought everything was amazing and that he was my partner in life.

He died two weeks ago. Because we weren’t married, I couldn’t be the person responsible for making the necessary arrangements. His mother’s family immediately began preventing me from attending the funeral.

He always protected his phone and kept it locked. He said this was due to past experience with personal information being distributed online.

Well, after he died, I had to access his phone in hopes of finding a will, wishes, or anything to help him lay to rest.

I didn’t find any of that, but I did find intimate conversations he had with several women that were very sexual in nature.

I’m talking photos, Facebook Messenger, and phone calls the ENTIRE time we were together.

I now feel devastated and disrespected.

How do I mourn the loss of the man I was in love with when he led a double life?

I don’t know if he actually had sex with these women, or if it was entirely virtual in nature, but I’m not sure that matters.

I know he loved me, but he wasn’t the man I thought he was.

How can I grieve and move forward when I am hit by this whirlwind?

Reality shock

Dear Shock: The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You might fall straight into the anger phase and stay there for a while.

Given how this man’s family rejected you and prevented you from attending the funeral, as well as the evidence you discovered, you understandably feel betrayed.

My instinct is that even if you say you were looking for a will on his phone, you may have (subliminally) searched for pretty much what you found.

And now you need to treat your children in the best way possible by allowing them to love and grieve this man without focusing on your own anger or his betrayal.

Continue to sort out the details of this loss, find housing if you need it, and settle back in with friends and family.

Understand that if you are stuck in anger, it will affect your life and future relationships.

Writing a daily report of your progress and participating in a grief group or individual counseling will help.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @askingamy or Facebook.)

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